Hilarious Man vs Woman Quotes

1. Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. – Albert Einstein
2. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. – Maryon Pearce
3. Men: can’t live with them, can’t shoot them. – Unknown
4. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
5. Women are like phones: they like to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button, you’ll be disconnected. – Unknown
6. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. – George Carlin
7. A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s. She changes it more often. – Oliver Herford
8. Men and women belong to different species and communication between them is still in its infancy. – Bill Cosby
9. A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears. – Woodrow Wyatt
10. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. – Rodney Dangerfield
11. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey
12. Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious: both are disappointed. – Oscar Wilde
13. Men forget but never forgive. Women forgive but never forget. – Unknown
14. A man is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished. – Australian Proverb
15. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. – Helen Rowland
16. Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood. – Oscar Wilde
17. The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. – Gore Vidal
18. Men always want to be a woman’s first love – women like to be a man’s last romance. – Oscar Wilde

1. Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. – Albert Einstein

2. The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. – Gore Vidal

3. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. – Maryon Pearson

4. Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious. Both are disappointed. – Oscar Wilde

5. Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting castrated. That’s when I’ll take them seriously. – Bill Maher

6. When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. – Prince Philip

7. Why did God create men? Because vibrators can’t mow the lawn. – Joan Rivers

8. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. – Rodney Dangerfield

9. Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Both are disappointed. – Anonymous

10. The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it. – Ann Bancroft

11. Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract. – Kathy Lette

12. The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. – Natalie Wood

13. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. – George Carlin

14. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

15. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. – Helen Rowland

16. Men have higher body temperature than women. If your heating goes out in winter, sleep next to a man, he’s like a furnace. – Carrie Snow

17. Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed. – Albert Einstein

18. The rarest thing in the world is a woman who is pleased with photographs of herself. – Elizabeth Metcalf

1. Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. – Albert Einstein
2. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. – Rodney Dangerfield
3. I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late. – Max Kauffmann
4. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. – Maryon Pearson
5. I have an answering machine in my car. It says, ‘I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.’ – Steven Wright
6. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner
7. My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce. – Joyce Brothers
8. If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they’d never marry. – O. Henry
9. You can’t stay mad at someone who makes you laugh. – Jay Leno
10. My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. – Rodney Dangerfield
11. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner
12. Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning. – Clint Eastwood
13. My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. – Rodney Dangerfield
14. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. – Maryon Pearson
15. Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract. – Kathy Lette
16. Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade. – Unknown
17. Husbands are like fires – they go out when they are left unattended. – Cher
18. When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason. – Molly McGee

1. Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. – Albert Einstein

2. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. – George Carlin

3. Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. – Billy Crystal

4. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. – Maryon Pearson

5. Men always want to be a woman’s first love – women like to be a man’s last romance. – Oscar Wilde

6. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. – Rodney Dangerfield

7. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey

8. I am not a has-been. I am a will be. – Lauren Bacall

9. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. – George Carlin

10. If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it. – Erma Bombeck

11. Men always fall for frigid women because they put on the best show. – Mae West

12. I don’t need a man. But I’m happier with one. I like to have someone I can touch and squeeze and kiss. – Cher

13. Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him, they do not like him. – Marlene Dietrich

14. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

15. The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money. – Johnny Carson

16. Men are like shoes. A woman can never have too many of them. – Brian Atwood

17. I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. – Phyllis Diller

18. I love men, not for what unites them, but for what divides them, and I want to know most of all what gnaws at their hearts. – Marilyn Monroe