The Philosophical Wisdom of Jack Handey

1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

2. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

3. If life gives you lemons, just be glad it didn’t give you herpes.

4. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

5. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is ‘God is crying.’ And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is ‘Probably because of something you did.’

6. To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

7. I’d rather be rich than stupid.

8. I wish outer space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, because I’d like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

9. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

10. It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

11. The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car – I forget what kind it was – and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there.

12. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

13. To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

14. It’s too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

15. I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

16. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

17. If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that’s what He’s getting!

18. I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he’s so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

1. I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it. – Jack Handey
2. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk. – Jack Handey
3. Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, ‘Ah, who cares?’ And then I think, ‘Hey, what’s for supper?’ – Jack Handey
4. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ’em go, because, man, they’re gone. – Jack Handey
5. I think a cute idea would be to drive through the desert looking for UFOs. – Jack Handey
6. What a country. Where else could a man pitch a tent in Berlin and nobody would bat an eye? But try it at a cocktail party and they’d call security. – Jack Handey
7. When you die, if you get a choice between regular hell and an Italian hell, take the Italian hell. It’s better there — the food is better, the company is better, and the waiters are much more pleasant. – Jack Handey
8. If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn’t open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you’re swimming. – Jack Handey
9. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. – Jack Handey
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. – Jack Handey
11. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it. – Jack Handey
12. Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and can’t see where he is. He opens the window, and falls out. If you’re dressed for it, it’s a chance to fly. – Jack Handey
13. I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I’d like to have one of those little beds with my name on it. – Jack Handey
14. Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. – Jack Handey
15. To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, ‘Hey, can you give me a hand?’ You can say, ‘I gotta run, but here’s a sack.’ – Jack Handey
16. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. – Jack Handey
17. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that’s what REALLY throws you into a panic. – Jack Handey
18. True love is the greatest thing in the world – except for a nice MLT – mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe. – Jack Handey

1. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.
2. I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
3. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
4. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
5. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-down warehouse. ‘Oh no,’ I said, ‘Disneyland burned down.’ He cried and cried, but I think deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
6. To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
7. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
8. I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I’d like to have one of those little outfits they wear.
9. When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it’s not, mmmmmmmm, boy.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he’s so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.
12. I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, ‘What was THAT?’
13. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that’s what really throws you into a panic.
14. I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.
15. If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles.
16. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is ‘God is crying.’ And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is ‘Probably because of something you did.’”
17. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.
18. To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. – Jack Handey

2. It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. – Jack Handey

3. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ’em go, because, man, they’re gone. – Jack Handey

4. I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it. – Jack Handey

5. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. – Jack Handey

6. I think a good product would be Baby Duck Hat. It’s a fake baby duck, which you strap on to the top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. – Jack Handey

7. If you ever drop your camera into a river of molten lava, let it go, because, man, it’s gone. – Jack Handey

8. To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I wonder how clowns started anyway. – Jack Handey

9. It’s amazing to me that one tiny, little sperm can make up half of a person. I mean, that’s incredible to me. That’s just so weird. – Jack Handey

10. I’d rather be rich than stupid. – Jack Handey

11. How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn’t have that dangerous beak. – Jack Handey

12. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone’s neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing? – Jack Handey

13. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. – Jack Handey

14. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. – Jack Handey

15. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic. – Jack Handey

16. If you’re robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it’s okay to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny. – Jack Handey

17. If you’re a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away. – Jack Handey

18. To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad. – Jack Handey