The Wisdom of Jack Handey’s SNL Deep Thoughts

1. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

2. I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he’s throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

3. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk.

4. I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they didn’t find him? Because they were all looking on the wrong side.

5. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

6. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

7. To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

8. Laurie got offended that I used the word ‘puke.’ But to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like.

9. When you’re riding in a time machine way far into the future, don’t stick your elbow out the window – it’ll turn into a fossil.

10. I think a good product would be ‘Baby Duck Hat.’ It’s a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. You’re their duck family.

11. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ’em go, because man, they’re gone.

12. To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve always wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my father.

13. Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

14. If you’re a cowboy and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

15. When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We’re rich! But it turned out to be something different.

16. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is ‘God is crying.’ And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is ‘Probably because of something you did.’

1. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
2. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
3. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is ‘God is crying.’ And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is ‘Probably because of something you did.’
4. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ’em go, because man, they’re gone.
5. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
6. I wish I lived back in the old days, when a man could just get into a fistfight with someone and then it was over.
7. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
8. As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
9. Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
10. When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
11. I think a good product would be ‘Baby Duck Hat.’ It’s a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. They think you’re a duck, so they all follow you. Then you lead them to an abandoned bar, where they all get drunk and free boat rides!
12. If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that’s what He’s getting!
13. If you’re robbing a bank and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it’s okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.
14. To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kinda scary. I wonder what was going through the mind of the first guy who saw a clown and said, ‘Hey, I’m gonna dress up like that and go entertain kids.’
15. It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
16. I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

1. As I sat there, unable to move, I wondered: is it better to be stranded on a desert island, or to be stuck at a family reunion?
2. Sometimes I wonder if we’re all just characters in a really big video game, and God is just some overly-enthusiastic gamer pressing ‘pause’ at all the wrong moments.
3. If you think about it, trampolines are just a way for gravity to mess with your head.
4. I once tried meditation, but all I could think about was how much I hate it when people chew with their mouths open.
5. They say that love can move mountains, but I’m pretty sure it’s actually just a really big bulldozer.
6. Whenever I’m feeling down, I just remind myself that somewhere out there, a chicken is playing tic-tac-toe with a computer.
7. Sometimes I lie awake at night and wonder: how come we never see any baby pigeons?
8. I was feeling particularly philosophical the other day, so I asked myself: if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? And then I remembered that trees can’t talk, so probably not.
9. I’ve always believed that laughter is the best medicine, but I’m starting to think that maybe the pharmacist got my prescription mixed up.
10. I once heard someone say that life is like a box of chocolates, but I’m pretty sure they were just trying to avoid talking about their deep-seated fear of commitment.
11. They say that beauty is only skin deep, but I like to think that true inner beauty is having a really good skincare routine.
12. When life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. But if life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
13. I’ve always believed that you should dance like nobody’s watching, but that philosophy becomes a lot more awkward when you’re stuck in an elevator alone.
14. People say that hindsight is 20/20, but I think my foresight might be a little closer to 20/70.
15. I once tried to count all the stars in the sky, but I got distracted by a particularly shiny pebble and lost track around 7.
16. The early bird gets the worm, but let’s be real – who wants to be waking up at the crack of dawn just for a worm?

1. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it. – Jack Handey

2. It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. – Jack Handey

3. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. – Jack Handey

4. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny. – Jack Handey

5. To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kinda scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. – Jack Handey

6. I think it would be cool if you could actually buy a radioactive spider. Then you could talk to it, write a book about it, and maybe get it to bite you. Then you’d become Spider-Man. I would buy that spider. – Jack Handey

7. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. – Jack Handey

8. If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them. – Jack Handey

9. When you die, if you get a choice between regular heaven and pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it’s not, mmmmmmm, boy. – Jack Handey

10. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. – Jack Handey

11. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. – Jack Handey

12. If your knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like? – Jack Handey

13. It’s easy to sit back and let life happen to you. But that’s no way to live. You have to grab it by the reins and make it your own. Or at least, pretend to. – Jack Handey

14. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ’em go, because man, they’re gone. – Jack Handey

15. I hope they never find out that music is art. I hope they never find out what music looks like. I hope that they never find out that it screams out of the ground, never ending, and now ~ Jack Handey

16. I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him and hand it to him. – Jack Handey

1. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

2. I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ‘That guy sure owed me a lot of money.’

3. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

4. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

5. When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

6. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

7. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that’s what REALLY throws you into a panic.

8. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. ‘Oh, no,’ I said. ‘Disneyland burned down.’ He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.

9. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ’em go, because, man, they’re gone.

10. I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal.

11. To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I wondered what happened to me that could make clowns scary. And I realized, it’s Stephen King’s fault.

12. If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a grenade, throw a trampoline. Maybe it’ll bounce your enemy to death.

13. It’s true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don’t tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.

14. Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: ‘Mankind’. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words – ‘mank’ and ‘ind’. What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.

15. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

16. If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they’re going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

1. The deeper you go into your thoughts, the higher you rise in life.
2. In the depths of our minds lie the answers to our greatest questions.
3. A mind that is stretched by a new idea never returns to its original dimensions.
4. Deep thoughts lead to deep understanding.
5. Thinking deeply is the key to unlocking the secrets of the universe.
6. The quieter you become, the more you can hear.
7. The depth of your thoughts determines the height of your achievements.
8. The mind is like a deep ocean, full of unexplored mysteries.
9. True wisdom is found in the depths of introspection.
10. Dive deep into your thoughts and discover the treasures within.
11. In the stillness of your mind, you will find the answers you seek.
12. Deep thoughts are like seeds planted in the soil of your mind, waiting to bloom into reality.
13. The most profound thoughts often arise from moments of solitude.
14. The depth of your thoughts determines the quality of your life.
15. In the depths of contemplation, we find our true selves.
16. The mind is a powerful tool, use it wisely to uncover the depths of your potential.

1. Jack Handey’s quotes are like little philosophical nuggets of humor that make you think and laugh at the same time.
2. SNL’s Jack Handey quotes are a unique blend of wit, wisdom, and silliness.
3. Exploring the philosophical humor of Jack Handey’s quotes is like going on a journey through the absurdity of life.
4. Jack Handey’s quotes are a reminder that it’s okay to not take life too seriously.
5. SNL’s Jack Handey quotes make you question the meaning of life while also making you chuckle.
6. In the world of comedy, Jack Handey’s quotes are like hidden treasures waiting to be discovered.
7. Exploring the philosophical humor of SNL’s Jack Handey quotes is like diving into a pool of absurdity and coming out laughing.
8. Jack Handey’s quotes are the perfect mix of deep thoughts and silly jokes.
9. SNL’s Jack Handey quotes are the epitome of smart humor wrapped in a cloak of absurdity.
10. Exploring the philosophical humor of Jack Handey’s quotes is like taking a mental vacation from the seriousness of life.
11. Jack Handey’s quotes are a breath of fresh air in a world filled with chaos and confusion.
12. SNL’s Jack Handey quotes are a reminder that laughter is the best medicine for the soul.
13. Exploring the philosophical humor of Jack Handey’s quotes is like finding a hidden gem in the vast landscape of comedy.
14. Jack Handey’s quotes are a quirky mix of deep ponderings and nonsensical musings.
15. SNL’s Jack Handey quotes are an invitation to look at life through a different lens – one that is humorous and thought-provoking.
16. Exploring the philosophical humor of Jack Handey’s quotes is like embarking on a surreal journey that leaves you smiling and scratching your head at the same time.

1. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. – Jack Handey

2. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. – Jack Handey

3. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. – Jack Handey

4. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic. – Jack Handey

5. To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad. – Jack Handey

6. If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them. – Jack Handey

7. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. – Jack Handey

8. If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they’re going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge? – Jack Handey

9. I bet when the Neanderthals played hide and seek, it took them forever to find each other. – Jack Handey

10. When you die, if you get a choice between regular heaven and pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it’s not, mmmmmmm, boy. – Jack Handey

11. Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words – ‘mank’ and ‘ind.’ What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind. – Jack Handey

12. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ’em go, because, man, they’re gone. – Jack Handey

13. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk. – Jack Handey

14. It’s true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don’t tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire. – Jack Handey

15. I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I’d just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. – Jack Handey

16. As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. – Jack Handey